The Greatest Pain is Love in Vain
by Intro-Reset
Summary: Life has a way of giving you everything you’ve ever wanted, and taking it all away at the worst possible moment. Things that meant so much at the time, things that took years to construct, taken away in a single instant, in the blink of an eye. DemiSelena
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. 2/01/09 I decided to repost this, I guess :]**

**Rated**: M for language and fighting

**A.N.** Well, I was getting unhappy with the lack of Demena stories for me to read (But I love all you Demena Shippers! XD), so… I decided to write one? Well, it's not great, but I tried…

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. -Mother Teresa

**SPOV **

Life has a way of giving you everything you've ever wanted, and taking it all away at the _worst_ possible moment. Life gives you a pedestal for you to build on; a base on which to build your future. Then it takes the pedestal away, and causes _everything_ you've built to break down on the ground as something worthless. Things that meant so much at the time, things that took years to construct, take away in a single instant, in a blink of an eye.

So, basically, life _screws_ you.

I find myself wishing my life was back to the way it used to be, when I was the cheerful, innocent, encouraging teenager with the great family, an awesome best friend, and a promising future. I try to have hope, but I know that it's futile. How can I be optimistic? Optimism is a false form of security used to protect you from the cold hand of reality. I don't _need_ optimism anymore, since I had already experienced the _damn_ harshness of reality. I should've always known that you can't hide from the hard truth.

My perfect life just fell from my hands, and shattered into a million pieces; trying to pick them up caused me more pain, causing me too bleed inside and out. At first, I lived with it, because I had the greatest person by my side. The person that I had believed would stay by me forever, but I guess I was expecting too much. Or perhaps it was my fault for pushing that person away when I needed them the most or maybe I was to be at blame for relying too much on this person. My best friend.

This was all too much for me. Life is like an ocean. I was swimming in it so freely once before, with the sun beautifully set above me, and the water gently touching my arms. I should've, but I didn't, expect the storm. The storm that took away the sun and the calm, reliable seas. You _can__'t_ control the ocean, even if you think you can. It's so unpredictable, and it's so… undependable. It's so variable, and I think I'm close to _drowning_. Life is so fragile, so strong. Life is time. You think you have enough, but you don't. And I think I'm running out of time. I'm just so… _overwhelmed_.

Now, I'm just wondering how it all came down to this. I'm questioning why I'm holding this silver-spitting viper in my hands. I'm wondering if this is worth it; if this is the only way to escape reality. And I assure myself that this is the best solution. But there is a small part of me that's screaming in my mind, telling me that this is the worst choice I'll ever make. That there is hope. Telling me to delve into my memories, that if I chose to die now, then to allow myself to remember how it got to all this. To remember her.

How did it come to this? It started only a month ago, or specifically, three weeks and a day ago. How can I ever forget that day? It is permanently lodged into my brain, the day that set off a chain of regrets and events that led to this. I can only stare at the gun as I recount that day, twenty-two days ago. The day after I turned seventeen. July 23rd, 2009.

The day I first learned that life screws… no… _fucks _you.

**This is a quick introduction****… I hoped you all liked it! Read and Review! Review so I can get the inspiration to type up the next chapter! I actually got high off of Lucky Charms cereal when I got the idea for this****… Oh, right****… DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS FOR THEY BELONG TO DISNEY AND TO THEIR MOTHERS. Frick. This gets annoying. Don****'t blame me for the angst****… ****R&R! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** The characters of this Fanfiction belong to their parents and Disney, so don't sue.

**Rated M** for violence, suicide attempts, abuse, self-mutilation, and language.

**A.N.** Thanks for all the reviews! Reviews make me very jumpy! Right… the story. This chapter will be kind of a flashback, but not really. Make sense? SORRY about the long time it took to update! School's starting. WARNING! This story will be pretty durn angsty… p.s. I did not steal any ideas, but my story is not trying to copy the Demena stories including suicide, cutting, abuse, etc. I was just putting together the worst things I could think of for Sel. :) If any of the situations seem similar to your story, trust me. I did not copy from you. The situations are unfortunately very common, as example are cutting, abuse, and suicide attempts. Some chapters will not be in SPOV.

Oh, and I will change the SPOVs around because this is like a look into the past more than a memory from one person's perspective.

"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain"

- William Faulkner

July 23rd, 2009

**SPOV**

I sat in front of the television, watching reruns of SpongeBob Square pants. Mitchie was still sleeping, probably exhausted from my birthday party last night. I was gazing at the television screen, barely paying attention to the character's antics. Just then, I heard a soft giggle come from behind me.

"Good morning!" I cheerfully said without turning my head. A few seconds later, Mitchie was sitting next to me on the couch, sleepily rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning to you." Mitchie grumbled, yawning. She stared at me for a moment, before she got up and walked to the kitchen, "I'm gunna get me some Lucky Charms…"

I looked at her a while as she trudged over to the kitchen, but quickly looked back at the television. However, I could not stop myself from thinking about her body, how fit she had gotten since Barney. Weird. Those thoughts happened _a lot_ these days.

Anyhow, I had a lot on my mind, starting with my party yesterday. Don't get me wrong, the party in itself was magnificent. It was the best birthday party I've ever had the honor of being the host to, but more than that, it was my parents. I was _so very much_ looking forward to them attending, because the party was partially for them. They were so busy, and I was kind of hoping they'd attend it. They promised that they would, but I can't see why they didn't come. I didn't get a _single_ phone call since yesterday morning!

I let out a frustrated grunt as I got up from the couch, but felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind, shocking me.

"Sel… Something extremely important must've come up. They don't hate you." How did Mitchie know everything that I was thinking? Thank God for that… Sighing, I slumped in her embrace. The sweet smell of her fruity shampoo drifted into my nose, tantalizing my senses with its aroma. The phone rang at that exact moment, causing me to curse inwardly for the timing of the caller.

"Hello?" I asked as soon as I picked up the phone.

"Is this Ms. Mikayla Gomez? If not, may I please speak to Ms. Gomez?" said a deep, kind voice.

"No, no. This is Mikayla Gomez. What's the problem, sir?" I replied, slightly nervous.

"Ah, yes. I'm very sorry to have to be the one to break the bad news to you, but yesterday morning, there was… shall we say… a _tremendously_ fatal and… _unexpected_ car crash, and unfortunately, your parents were-." I couldn't hear the rest as I dropped the phone, knowing what he was going to say.

"What's wrong?' Mitchie asked, taking note of my petrified expression.

"They're… they're dead. Dead." I whispered, "And it's my fault. My fault."

Mitchie had a shocked look on her face, and she reached down to retrieve the phone and talk to the man. Her facial expressions were grim and she barely talked as she nodded her head every once in a while. She then hung up the phone with a quick thanks and walked over to me, whispering "Oh, Mikayla…" She then pulled me into another hug, as I freely cried into her shoulder.

---

I was a _fucking_ moron. If I hadn't had this party, then my parents would still be alive. It was all _my_ fucking fault. All _my_ fault. Why the hell did this have to happen? Why me? Everything was going so _perfect_! I played leads in highly rated, successful movies and shows, and I had rows of awards to prove it! The world recognized me as a role model, and all my dreams were coming true! Why _me_, of all people?

All these thoughts were running through my head as I sat on my bed, my arms supporting my head. This was stupid… stupid… Stupid! Why the hell was I so damn stupid?

Mitchie had stayed as long as she could at my house yesterday, trying to comfort me by saying how this wasn't my fault.

_Bullshit_. It _so_ damn _was_.

I didn't tell her that, though. Already I lost my parents because of my mistakes, and I _was not_ about to loose anyone else. I _would not_ loose anyone else. I _couldn__'__t_ loose anyone else.

I could still hear my parents' voices in my head, and I could see their faces in my mind. They were upset and disappointed, yelling at me. Condemning me. '_Why?__'_ They were asking. '_Why?__'_ I didn't know why the fuck why! Why what?

Slowly, I pulled my left hand sleeve up to expose five red lines cut across my arm. Still slightly bleeding, the scars were the product of my shame and anger yesterday night. Two for each person I lost. One for my greed, one for my stupidity, and one just for the feeling of numb to leave. I'd rather feel pain than this emptiness.

Mitchie must never find out, because I _couldn__'__t_ loose anyone else. I really _couldn__'__t. _

I _would not_ loose anyone else, even if it meant loosing _myself_ in the process.

**A.N.** :) I tried once more. haha. Read and Review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** The characters in this story do not belong to me. I couldn't afford them, anyways. I can only buy fricken gumballs with the money I have. No, scratch that. I could only get a pebble. And pebbles are free… Except in Antarctica. Those are illegal.

**Rated M** for self-mutilation, abuse, language, violence, and suicide attempts

**A.N.** Thank you for all reviews! :) Another chapter, huhh?

"Sleep... Oh! How I loathe those little slices of death...."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

**SPOV**

Staring at the ceiling, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. It's not insomnia. Insomnia would've been better, I bet. Better than nightmares. Nightmares that plague the _fibers _of my existence come to life behind my eyes. I can see them… I can see them in my mind. They won't _fucking_ leave me alone, and they _definitely_ won't stop dying and dying. I see them, in my mind; I see them in the rubble, blood trickling out of their mouths, barely conscious,_ again and again_. Blaming me. Hating me. And I can't blame them for blaming me, because I blame myself as well.

As soon as the first rays of sunshine come through my window, I slowly rise from my bed like the rising undead. I can only walk up to the dusty kitchen before I break down into another fit of tears. Thankfully, I recover a few minutes faster than I did yesterday, which isn't saying much, before I pull out a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm halfway through the bowl of cereal when I hear my cellphone vibrate. It's a text message from Mitchie.

_Sel! Wizards filming today at seven! You have ten minutes! Are you ready yet? I'll drive you._

---

Shit! I was so caught up in my _own_ horrible life that I forgot all the _other_ horrible things around me! Fixing my hair and wearing a long sleeved shirt to cover the scars lining my underarms, I brushed my teeth as swiftly and cleanly as I could. Honking could be heard while I put on my converse and walked outside to the waiting car.

Hopping into the passenger seat, I sat quietly down next to Demi as she smiled at me.

"Hey!" Mitchie said, patting my head, "How are you?"

"Just fine. A bit morbid," I replied, trying to sound sarcastic and funny, or at least something Mitchie was used to. Maybe she didn't buy it. She arched one of her eyebrows at me as she replied suspiciously, "Yeah? Did you sleep at all?" Yeah, she definitely didn't buy it.

"Yeah." I replied, suddenly becoming uncomfortable as she started up the engine once more.

"Really? What's this, then?" She asked, slowly pointing to the dark shade underneath my eyes, "I'm not wrong about this, am I? Either you didn't sleep, or you're playing the part of a panda in the next Wizard episode."

I gave an awkward grin as I shrugged my shoulders. Mitchie laughed once more before she threw me a worried glance, right before starting up the car. Even before the car moved a few feet, I was grasping onto the car seat, closing my eyes and slightly hyperventilating. I probably sounded like a dying fish. I had a feeling of fear growing deep within my stomach, and I clenched my teeth with definite anguish. I just remembered, cars _kill_.

---

"Mikayla, are you alright?" Mitchie asked. I opened my eyes as I saw we were in the trailer parking lot in the Wizard set. Quickly, I loosened my grip on the seat as I shook all my tensions loose.

"Yeah, I'm alright. It was nothing, just tired," I replied, trying to play it off as best as I could.

"Riiiight. Have fun filming! I'll be in your trailer, using the laptop. Need to get homeschooling homework done," Mitchie sighed, exasperation flowing with her words. She got out the car and entered my trailer, but not without throwing me one more concerned glance.

It took me another minute to catch my breath, but after that, I had my fake smile on, and I was ready to act like a happy actor playing a happy character.

Oh great, the rapture.

In the studio, I had on my striped orange shirt on as well as arm warmers. My mind was blank, acting like a machine spewing out the lines that I memorized weeks before. However, when we went into the huge, emotional scene, I prepared to give as much emotion as I could without breaking down. I broke out of my trance, but regretted doing so when I remembered how the discussion went. Before I could lapse back into my blank state, I looked over and could see "Jerry" and "Theresa" glaring at me.

_'It's just a show,'_ I told myself_, 'It's just acting.'_

"I didn't do it on purpose! You can't blame me!" I yelled, playing out my lines as clearly as I could.

"Yes you did! It's your fault, and your responsibility!" Jerry screamed back at me, his face red in false disappointment. Usually, this would be the part where would want to break down laughing, but now, I felt like breaking down and crying.

"Who do you think you are?" I yelled back, "What makes you so great?"

"We're your parents! That's why! And you will never, ever do this again, over our dead bodies!"

_Just an expression. Just an expression._

"Well, I guess I can do it over again, because they're _dead!_ You're not my_ fucking_ parents! My parents are _fucking_ dead! Every damn one! _Fucking_ dead!" I screamed, emotions piling up in my voice, "Fucking tell me it's my fault! It is! I don't care! Fuck it, I do! It is my damn fault and I do give a shit! _Fuck_ _you_!"

The director, luckily, called cut as soon as I started the first line. Smiling, he looked over at me and exclaimed, "Hey, hey! This isn't MTV family drama over here, hmm? Nice acting, but you got to play it down a notch. Your acting is quite superb though. The lines are immensely off, however. So drop the act and pick up the… well… act!" _What?_

"You think this is a joke? A _fucking act_?" I scream at him, surprising all the cast. I run out of the studio, tears streaming down my face. Right behind me was Mitchie, who had entered the studio right before the whole emotional scene.

I made it all the way to my trailer before falling to my knees and crying my eyes out.

"Mikayla!" yelled Mitchie, as soon as she entered my trailer. She closed the door and pulled me to the couch in the room, and laid my head in her lap.

"Shhh…. Come on 'Lena. I'm here for you." She whispered, tears slowly coming out of her eyes as well. I could only sob even more when I thought of what had happened back at the studio. I looked once more at Mitchie, and I couldn't help but stay mesmerized by her tear filled eyes. No matter how hard I tried to look away, I was looking at her every detail. There was something about her that intrugued me. Just to hold her, and maybe, just to hear her call out my name could make me feel better than this shitty feeling I felt. I shivered at her touch and I slowly imagined in my mind what that touch could lead to... _What?_ I stood up straight (A.N. or gay :D) and slowly stumbled outside the trailer, leaving a confused Mitchie behind me. I couldn't keep her close, no matter how much I wanted to. Because I wanted her too close. I couldn't do this to my best friend. I ran over to the bus station and quickly boarded a waiting bus, sadly staring at my hands.

All these confusing thoughts ran through my head, telling me that I was falling for my best friend. _My best friend? Really? Please, God, no!_

As soon as I got off the bus, I ran the last three miles over to my house. Sweat was dripping from my whole body, and after I took a quick shower, I looked over at my bare left arm. On it were five red lines, healing with as much speed as it could. I peeled my eyes away from them before putting on the rest of my clothes. Noticing my discarded jeans vibrating, I removed my cellphone from its pocket and received the call.

"Hello?" A frantic voice on the other side said?

"Hey, Mitchie," I replied, fingering the sleeve of my left arm, "Sorry about the whole running away thing."

"Yeah. Just wanted to know you were okay. You missed, like, thirty calls from me," she joked a bit sadly, "You could've gotten hurt, you know. You want me to come over?"

I stayed silent for a few minutes, thinking of what I should do. She could help me overcome all this pain and loneliness I was feeling, couldn't she? But then again, all these feelings I've been having about her… _Not _natural.

"Uhm… It's okay. I've got to, you know; think about things, so…" I slowly replied.

"Oh… okay. I understand what you mean. So, if you need someone to talk to, then, you know, you have me," she said with a bit of disappointment carried within her words.

"Yeah," I responded, "I know."

And I also knew I wanted to have her in another way as well. And this was _not _normal. It was _disgusting_. Was _I_ disgusting? But I couldn't shake the thoughts of her in my mind, making me feel a bit jubilant, but guilty once more.

But then again... Her face was beautiful; her body irresistable. Just hearing her voice made me want to just go up to her and...

What was _fucking_ _wrong_ with me?

Again, I started to fall asleep. And to sleep was another night of fear, loneliness, and pain. A slice of death. I tried to contain my hurt, but before I knew it, I felt about ready to _explode_ with emotional distress.

A few moments later, I was back on my bed, still trying hard not to sleep. Three new bleeding lines were strewn across my left arm. One for pushing those close to me away. One for yelling at the set of Wizards.

And lastly, one deep painful one. As deep and painful as my _love_ for her. As deep and painful as my _fears_. The cut for my _lust_.

**A.N.** Man, I feel all guilty now for putting her in all this. And the most guilty thing for me that it's going to get worse for her. Abuse, drugs, suicide, etc… damn.

Well, then. I hope that you all enjoy! Arggg! How will I do this?!? I know! **Read and Review!** Or give me a cookie, or perhaps a bar of Hershey's chocolate…


	4. Authors Note

**A.N.**  
Helloooo :)  
So, this chapter is basically when my story got deleted.  
I''m going to post up a chapter I already finished around that time, but never posted, and then... on with the story!  
Forgive me for the long wait, but I had alot of school work to do. Haha. Well, I was also quite lazy.  
I was turned off of Demena for a while, and turned on to Breyton, but I rediscovered my love for Demena.  
:) So, hold on tight and I'll upload! Btw, I've discovered a love of TessCaitlyn, haha.


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** As far as I know, I don't own most of the stuff here.

**Rated M:** self mutilation, abuse, drugs, language, violence, blahˇ blahˇ blahˇ

**A.N.** Sorry for the long wait :] I had a lot of projects to finish up, and you can't blame me for that. Well, yo can, but... Ohhman I failed chemistry. -.- It made me feel depressed enough to finish up this chapter :] **Read and Review!** By the way, I got a new puppy! His name is Mufasa :) after my favorite disney character.

_"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."_

-Mark Twain

**SPOV**

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

I played with my sleeve, slowly revealing and covering my scars. It was already noon and I still didn't get off the bed. I told Mitchie I was way too tired today to meet with her. It was sad, really, knowing that the real reason I was still laying down on my bed was because my mom would always barge in and yell, "Mikayla! Get off of your lazy ass!"

It's stupid, but I'm just waiting for that to happen. It's idiotic, but my mind still can't comprehend the truth.

My house is so quiet, with no sounds of my dad singing along to old country music, or my mom chatting on the phone, occasionally yelling at my dad to turn down the volume. I suppress a smile as I remember an old conversation between the two.

_"It's Friends in Low Places! A great song, I must say!"_

_"Why can't you just turn it down just a little bit?"_

_"Well, then I can't hear it as well."_

_"Get an iPod, for crying out loud!"_

_"No, no, no. Those damage the ears."_

_"Oh, oh, and turning the radio on to full blast doesn't, hmm?"_

I could still hear the sarcasm in my mother's voice, and the whining tone my father used. They were so great, and loving. And I got them killed.

Wiping the tears falling from my eyes, I sat on the floor and leaned my head against the wall. I was feeling horrible, and hungry. With a sigh, I slowly got to my feet and stumbled to the kitchen, hoping to find something good to eat. Actually, in all sincerity, I didn't care what I ate, as long as it was edible, or within my reach. Upon opening the fridge, I found a huge bowl of Chinese takeout that I ordered a few days ago. I was only intent on eating a bit, but as I started eating, a whole lot of memories started plaguing my mind. So I kept eating. This might sound strange, but eating kept the memories at bay, and kind of pushed away those thoughts for the while. When I looked into the bowl again, it was nearly empty.

I was shocked, really. How did I finish all that food? The aftereffects hit me a few seconds later, when my stomach started to twinge. As quickly as I could, I ran for the bathroom and hung my head over the toilet. My throat became sore as raw vomit poured out, causing me to feel lightheaded. After all the vomit left my system, I quickly gargled and headed back to my room, feeling considerably worse.

My life became routine after a few days. I would get up in the afternoon, eat, watch a little television while eating, bitch at myself in the mirror, eat another meal, puke everything out, and go back to sleep. Thank God for my fast metabolism, but all this eating was definitely not good for me. During the time I ate, I felt better, but after that, I felt like shit. What was I supposed to do? My emotions were so muddled and I needed that moment of, well, normality.

Of course, nothing stays the same forever. It just happened that one day, Mitchie decided to see how I was doing. As she entered the doors to my house, she saw the pathetic condition I was in and I saw her joyous expression droop for a few seconds, before she broke into a smile.

"'Lena! Long time no see, huh?" she exclaimed, running towards me with breakneck speed.

"Oh, hey," I replied, still tired from my lack of sleep, "Why are you here?"

"Oh, come on! Can't I come to see my best friend?" she asked, sweeping me into a suffocating hug. However, one of her arms was squeezing my left arm, which caused my cuts to start stinging. It didn't hurt badly, but it shocked me. Yelping, I leaped out of he embrace, confusing Mitchie and causing some of the newer cuts to reopen.

"Shit," I grumbled under my breath, as the blood from the reopened cuts spread on my white, long sleeved shirt. Demi's eyes widened as she stepped towards me.

"Mikayla!" she gasped, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"It's nothing." I grumbled, pulling my arm away from her grasp. Before I could, she grabbed my arm and pulled up the sleeve, allowing her to see the deep, scabbing scars that were running across my arms. Her eyes showed hurt as she pulled me into another bone crushing hug.

"Sel... Why? You don't need to do this..." Her voice was shaking with fear. At once, fear look over my body. Another person was hurt due to my actions.

Anger and anxiety took over my every being as I pushed Demi off and escaped her embrace.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Mitchie looked at me with confusion etched into her face as she tried once more to grab me into another hug.

"I said leave me alone, damn it!" I tried to push her off, but my body felt weak and I felt dizzy as I yelled, due to the lack of food and nutrients in my stomach. Unfortunately, all of what I would've used right now was somewhere down the sewage system. I quickly jerked to the side, but I didn't escape her hug, and my dizziness increased.

"Get off, get off, get off!" I yelled again and again, punching Mitchie's shoulder. My punches were weak, and after a while, my arms went limp. I could not longer keep my eyes open, as my frequent sleepless nights came back around at me. Soon, I saw only black, and I knew the combined factors of my tired state, my lack of sufficient blood, and my malnutritioned body could not keep conscious me anymore.

"Sel!"

The warm arms of my best friend wrapped around me, that was the last thing I felt before all my energy left me.

**A.N.** Is Mikayla dead? **Read and Review** to find out! Thank you to all reviewers :] And this chapter was pretty short because I just needed a chapter to go into Mitchie discovering Mikayla's problems, namsaying?


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Nothing here belongs to me. Except the storyline.

**Rated M**: self mutilation, drugs, violence, abuse, etc.

**A.N.** :] Okay, so I decided to type up a short chapter, due to the fact I haven't got much time. I should be typing up an essay right now...** Read** and **Review**!

_"Every abuse ought to be reformed, unless the reform is more dangerous than the abuse itself."_

-Voltaire

**SPOV **

"... and we will monitor her, just to be safe. She will have to move in with a relative, due to the fact that she is a suicidal risk and it will be very unfortunate if she is given the liberty of an empty house. She may cause... harm to herself, and so, we contacted her father's younger brother. He's coming to pick her up. Not to worry, young lady. She's not critically injured. We hooked her up to needles that will provide vitamins and nutrition."

When I opened my eyes, I saw Mitchie sitting on a chair adjacent to a young doctor. The doctor, in her white uniform, reminded me of my aunt Jamie. Aunt Jamie was my dad's brother's wife, and although a bit reserved, she was my favorite aunt. Aunt Jamie always listened to what I said, and every once in a while, she'd take me to the hospital she worked at. However, that was before my parents... died.

"Mitchie...?" I whispered her name, and tried to move my arm. However, my arm was heavily bandaged and needles were poking through my wrists as well as my shoulders.

At once, the young doctor and Mitchie were by my side; the doctor held my arms down as Mitchie slowly held my hand. Mitchie looked over at the doctor, who immediately gave a grim smile and let go of my arms. She then left the room, leaving Demi alone by my side.

"Mikayla, you had me so worried!" She exclaimed, tears springing out of her eyes. "You had me so, so, so scared!"

"Mitchie..." I say once more. However, my throat dried up and I could not say anything more.

As soon as I closed my mouth, Mitchie moved towards me and held me in a tight embrace. Her tears hit my shoulder, and I started crying as well. When the doctor came back in, she found both of us in the same position. After quickly giving me a worried, yet friendly kiss on my forehead, Mitchie left without a word.

"Well, young miss. Luckily, the paparazzi did not find out about the... accident, shall we call it? Anyhow, your uncle is coming to pick you up. You should be fine." The doctor was tense as she spoke.

I nodded my head and waited for my uncle. Uncle Fredrick Gomez was the goofy uncle in our family. He'd always crack jokes and make everything better whenever I got hurt. I was just hoping he could fix me up. As soon as he walked in, I got nervous. His eyes were the same as my father, his hair was the same shade of brown, and his voice had the similar gruff, yet playful tone. Unlike my dad, he had broad shoulders and a gait in his walk. His limp was not very apparent, but it bothered me to think about it, due to the fact that Uncle Fredrick got the bad knee due to a car crash. I don't like coincidences that much anymore.

"Hey princess," Uncle Fredrick said, walking up to me, "How's my favorite little niece doing?"

While he helped me up, I smiled at him with my eyes shut. He probably understood what I was going through just by hearing his voice. Princess was something my dad and he called me by, and it was slightly haunting to hear him call me by that nickname. It was as if my father was there, calling to me. Shuddering, I fell asleep on the car ride to his house, waking up in a panic whenever the car hit a bump along the road.

"Mikayla?" Uncle Fredrick gently shook me awake.

I slowly got out of the car and looked up to see my uncle's beautiful, quaint house. Leaves were covering the front entrance, and an orange welcome mat lay on the front step. My family would all come over to this house every holiday and pick fresh fruits from Uncle Fredrick's back yard.

"Hey, princess! Strawberries are in season right now. We should go pick them, huh?" Smiling, he picked me up onto his broad shoulders and suddenly put me back down again.

"Sorry, but Uncle's not as young as he -ah- used to be!" Uncle Fredrick opened the gate leading to the back yard while holding his back, "Look around! Remember these?"

As soon as I stepped into the small little garden he had, I saw hundreds of ripened strawberries hanging from bushes. Each was a different shade of red, and each a different level of taste. My mom and I had planted these strawberries during the New Years, back when they were barely starting to take root. Slowly I plucked and held one of the strawberries and brought it to my mouth with uncontrollable joy. Uncle was standing to my side, anticipating my reaction to the first taste of a new batch of strawberries.

"Wait!" I exclaimed, "We have to get my mom here, we promi-"

At once I threw the strawberry to the ground and ran out of the garden. Crying, I sat on the front porch steps. The front door opened and I heard my uncle get shooed away by the person that came out the door.

"Hey there little cousin." I looked up to see Marianna, Uncle Fredrick's college bound daughter, "What's wrong? Did my dad tell you a joke?"

I managed a little laugh before collapsing into tears once more. Marianna held me until I composed myself. Even then, I didn't move nor say anything for a few minutes.

"Hey Maria..." I started, "It's not any joke or... or anything. It's just that... it's just that mom and I promised that as soon as the strawberries... as soon as they grew, we'd... Oh, I don't know! She... we promised that we'd take the first bites of the strawberries together! I was just so looking forward to that day that I... when I was in that garden, I forgot for a second that my mom... that she's not..."

"She's not." Marianna whispered, grabbing me into a hug, "She's not gone. Let me show you. Take strawberries for example. Strawberries come and go with the seasons, but look... They're never gone for long! As long as you plant more seeds, there will always be sweet, sweet strawberries waiting for you. There will always be a winter; the time when strawberries will just... be gone, but do you know what always follows the winter? Spring. The time of strawberries. They're waiting right now, even, to get picked. It's up to you to make the right decisions."

Marianna slowly stood me up and brought me over into the house.

"And sorry, that was cliche, wasn't it?" Marianna joked, patting me on the back.

"No... That... that was kind of... good?" I reply, chuckling through my tears, "I guess you're right. I haven't been making good decisions lately... I guess... I was being stupid."

"You guess?" Marianna shot me a glance, "Hun, if that's a 'maybe' I hear, you don't know what shit you're going to get yourself into."

"Okay, I _know_ I've made some stupid-ass decisions and I _know_ I was being an idiot." I retorted, sending a small grin to my cousin.

She laughed at my choice of words as we reached the guest's room. As soon as she left to her own room, I muttered under my breath, "Just because I know doesn't mean I can stop."

Apparently she heard me, because a few seconds later, she was back in my room, handing me a piece of paper. She gave me a worried wink and left me in peace, as I sat upon the queen-sized bed with nothing but the small, loose leaf paper.

On it, it read, _'I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you'll find nothing sharp in this little room. Actually, we have nothing sharp in this whole house! So, enjoy yourself, lil' cousin! Love, Mari."_ in sloppy handwriting.

"Damnfuckinghell!"

I'm pretty sure I heard a slight giggle coming from the hallway.

**A.N.** Hey :] A short chapter for you all. Okay, I know I haven't updated in... forever, but I had to attend this "prepare yourself for the SAT" course. Which is stupid because I'm not a senior yet. Hell, I'm not even a junior! I'm too young, I say. Sophomores should be spending their time relaxing, or walking their dogs on sandy beaches where the whales are...! Hm. I was urged to type this when I saw an interview with my girl, Selena. Or... Demi's girl. But whatever. Haha.  
I got the strawberry thing from my own cousin, who told me this when I was really upset in elementary school. My best friend moved away before the small dandelions I have in my backyard grew. And basically, my dear cousin told me that with this really serious look on his eyes. (Which was strange, because he's very, very strange. As in, he adores the powerpuff girls at his ripe age of 23 and still has time to watch new episodes of Spongebob every week.) Ok, sorry for this, but credit is due where credit is due, no?  
**Read and Review** :] **Reviews** give me energy and perseverance!  
And for readers that read this story before it was deleted, thank you for being patient with me. And also, this story has not entered the joy phase. As you well remember, these chapters are leading up to the first chapter. Just for those who don't really understand the layout of my story. :]


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: The characters belong to The Big Mouse.

**Rated M**: For abuse, language, etc.

**A.N.**Sorry for the long wait! But I really had too much things to do. BoomBoomPow:]

---

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

-_Publilius Syrus_

**SPOV**

"Breakfast, girls!" Uncle Fredrick called out from the kitchen of the house.

I was laying on the bed, listening to Paramore on my green ipod, when Marianna burst into the room and grabbed the ipod and threw it on the floor, grasped my arm, and yanked me off the bed.

"What the heck, Marie?" I said, pissed and worried about my ipod.

"This is the only way you'd get up, Mikayla." Marianna quickly responded, pulling my to the kitchen, "Dad, we're here!"

Uncle Fredrick gave a soft smile before handing us both plates of Bacon and egg on toast. He prepared his own toast and walked outside, humming to himself. Both of the two seemed grim today and the atmosphere was downright morbid. I brought the toast to my mouth and took a bite, watching Marianna slowly poke multiple holes into her bacon. What was going on? I put down the toast and slowly said Marianna's name. Marianna looked up at me and tried to smile, but broke into tears.

"Marianna. what's wrong?" She tried to shake her head, but instead, she got up and walked to the living room. Quickly, I followed her.

There, she picked up a tape, and she pushed it into the television.

"This was on the morning news. My dad taped it as soon as it came on to show you." Marianna cried out, still sobbing.

The television flickered before it turned on. On the screen was the anchorman of Fox news, holding papers and sitting straight with his emotionless face.

"Reports have come in about Mikayla's parent's fatal car crash." The anchorman said. I looked over at Marianna. Bewildered, I wondered why she would show me this tape. The car crash was already broadcast over Fox news the day after the crash. What could be so important that it would be uncovered this morning?

"The accident had been no accident."

What the fuck? My head swiveled to the screen so fast, I fear that I may have permanent neck damage.

"The Gomez's' deaths have been long speculated, and questions arose on how the two had crashed on their way to Selena Gomez's sweet sixteen. A footage caught by a nearby tourist reveals the Gomez's car stopping at a red light. However, as soon as they accelerated after the light turned green, another car to the left of them immediately rushed forward, hitting the car and causing both of the vehicles to erupt into flames, killing Mr. and Mrs. Gomez. The mystery driver was seen jumping out the car at the last second, and the footage reveals to us that the mystery driver had on a trucker's cap, hiding his or her hair and face. The crash, if not preplanned, would not have caused both vehicles to explode, but it was found that the mystery driver's car had gallons of gasoline in the back seat, as well as a lighter. We conclude that the driver, before jumping out the car and running away, had lit up the backseat of the car, causing the massive explosion that took the lives of two innocent citizens. One witness tells us that he chased after the mystery driver, but the driver merely looked back and smirked, and jumped into another car, ready at his or her disposal. By the look of things, this crash was no accident; it was an evil and inhumane homicide. If anyone has any information on the myster-"

Marianna turned off the television, but I couldn't care less. I was confused, shocked, and scared. I wanted to scream, to yell, to do anything... but my body froze on the spot. All my emotions were building up within me, but I didn't know what to think or what to believe in anymore. I just didn't want to think of anything; I just wanted to run to my room, bury my head in the pillow, and hopefully run out of breath and die.

"Oh..." Marianna grabbed my hands and pulled me into a hug.

"Mikayla, they're going to find the person who did this, okay? You have to relax and- Ouch!" Marianna looked at me with a surprised expression, holding her cheek with her hand.

"Relax? Someone fucking killed my parents, and it's all my fault!" I cried out.

Before Marianna could reply, I ran to the back door of the kitchen, and ran outside. Thankfully, my converse were already on when I ran outside, so my feet didn't get ripped apart on the cement pavement. I ran and ran for hours, ignoring the pain spreading on my feet and legs and the shortness of breath I was experiencing. Only when my head felt light and ready to black out did I stop. I was in the middle of an empty road, with nothing but my striped pajamas, a bit of money, and my cell phone. Located to the left of the road was a small gas station as well as a dollar store, and I rushed in. I bought a plain, ordinary black shirt, as well a pair of ripped, dark jeans. After changing, I handed the man at the front desk twenty dollars, and decided, along with the clothing, to buy a small razor. I was set.

However, a television flickered on, showing another update on the case.

"We have another clue. The mysterious driver was found to have brown hair. More details on the case will come up soon. In present time-"

I was already out the door and back on the road. Darkness had already crept into the daytime, and I had no choice but to hitch a ride with random strangers. It was a bit scary at first, but when I arrived to my real house in Texas, I knew it was well worth it. When I unlocked the front door, I walked inside to a dark and dusty room. Everything was exactly the way I left it. On the floor was small drips of blood, where Demi discovered my dangerous habit. Gently, I walked a bit more into my house before pausing to remove my Converse.

"Mom, dad, I'm home." I called out, almost hoping for a reply, "It's been a long week, but I'm home now... Stop playing games, mom. Please come out."

I couldn't contain myself any longer. Falling on my knees, I started weeping, my tears harshly crashing down to the ground. I wanted my mother, and I wanted my father. Not having them to heal me and to fix up my hurt was what hurt me the most. After a few minutes of just crying, I wiped my tears and picked up letters that were harshly shoved through the door's mail flap from days ago.

Opening the first letter, I discovered that Disney channel cut my contract, because they did not want to be held responsible for the death of two parents. As well, Wizards of Waverly Place was terminated, leaving David Henry to leave Disney for Nick at Nite, and J.T. Austin to leave Disney for Cartoon Network as well as Comedy Central. It upset me, but the thought of my parents certainly outweighed my cares about the Mouse. I knew I was being greedy, but really, I needed to start thinking of myself more than others.

"Mikayla..." I turned my head around to see Mitchie standing there, phone in her hand and panting hard, "Your uncle's so worried."

My head was so mumbled and messed up that I took a step towards her, my eyes filled with contempt.

"Who the fuck cares?"

"Your family cares, Mik. Your uncle, Marianna, your fans, me. We all care about you! Mikayla, we only want the best for you!" Demi cried out.

"Shut up, Mitchie. You don't know anything about wounds. You don't know a shit about loosing someone close to you!" I screamed at her, clenching my hands into fists.

"I do know how it feels, Mikayla! I'm loosing someone right now. I'm loosing you." Mitchie's voice softened. "Where are you, Mikayla? Where's my dork? Where's my best friend, the one that can make me laugh when I feel upset and the only one that could put such a big smile onto my face? I want you back, Mik... I want my best friend back."

"Too bad, Mitchie. If there's one thing I learned, it's that you don't always get what you want." I whispered, taking a step closer to her. Suddenly, by simply smelling her sweet scent, I was overcome with desire. I couldn't control myself. She was just so close, and... what more could I loose? Taking a look at her lips, I pushed my own roughly to hers, resulting in a cry of shock from Mitchie. My mind was running on low and as a reaction, I punched her stomach. As she bent over in pain, I was confused. Why did I kiss her? No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't have pleasure. I couldn't loose someone... the only one left. Why did I have to punch her? I was scared, that was why... I quickly ran out of the house, grabbing and pulling on a pair of green converse on the way out. I called out for a taxi, and then stuffed a fistful of bills at the driver's face, prompting him to break the speed limit to get me to my Uncle Fredrick's house in under a few hours.

On the porch sat Marianna and my uncle, both waiting impatiently. As soon as I was spotted, both my uncle and my cousin jumped up and ran towards me.

"Oh, Mikayla, I was so worried!" Marianna said, "But slap me again, and you're going to regret it."

"Yeah, sorry about that." I replied, taking heed of her warning.

"Well, I forgive you. I guess life's kind of a bitch right now, huh?" Marianna laughed, patting me on the back.

"Yeah, you bet." I gave half-hearted reply.

Uncle Fredrick smiled at me before awkwardly giving us both a hug. Laughing and joking, we walked towards the garden, eager to try a bit of the strawberries. All the while, my pocket vibrated but I ignored it. I was trying so hard to forget what happened since my birthday, but sometimes, you just can't.

**A.N.**Plot twist! Yes, I didn't update for quite a while, but I have a lot of homework, and I was also working on separate fanfictions. I'll post them up as soon as I finish the touch ups and editing. As well, I thank all of you for being so patient with me. So, yeup. There was a small kiss. But don't worry. In future chapters, there will be more... explicit scenes. Perhaps.

**Please _read and review,_ and _don't hesitate to private message me_**. **:]**


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to Disney

**Rated M:** For abuse, language, etc.

**A.N.** So, I never updated this fic in a while. Haha. Truth is, I never even began chapter seven. I just lost motavation for a while. But I have motavation once more. Why? **It's Selena's Birthday!** Since it's 10 o'clock p.m., I have about two hours including to type up something in honor of her birthday. So. Let's. DO THIS.

**R&R**

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain." -Saint Bartholomew

**SPOV**

Exactly twenty three hours passed since I watched the news broadcast, ran away, punched my best friend in the stomach after kissing her, and came back home to a very worried uncle and cousin. Well, technically, about twenty three hours and thirty or so minutes passed, but I was in too much of a shock to remember. Although I did remember. But that was only because I spent the last twenty three hours and thirty minutes staring into the clock in the room I was currently calling my own. It was exactly twenty four hours since the whole "run away and come crying back like a baby" stunt I pulled when my Marianna, my ridiculously loud cousin, came barging into the room.

"I've had it! It's like, been like a bajillion hours and you're still in the same position. You didn't even budge! And don't tell me you didn't sleep either!" Marianna whined.

"Actually, it's been twenty four hours and ten minutes, give or take." I replied, annoyed at my cousin.

"Well, it was long! Dad made me watch a marathon- and I mean a marathon- of ER with him!" Marianna kept on complaining.

"What's so bad about ER? I like it." My eyes were still glued to the clock.

"It's a rip off of House M.D. Except that House M.D. has, like, the hottest doctors there." Marianna probably noticed my diverted attention, because she stepped in front of me, cutting off my view of the clock. "I don't get why you're wasting time looking at that. Isn't it boring? Just watching it go "Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc." I mean, if you like that, then, I have no problem, but it's just... Twenty four hours of that? Really?"

"Twenty four hours and twenty three minutes." Marianna gave me a long, cold look before swiveling on the heels of her feet and marching off, making sure to grumble for extra measure.

The truth was, I thought I was going crazy looking at the clock. More than anything I wanted to turn away, but maybe I wanted to look at that clock forever until my dying day. The last sounds I hear would be the _tic_ and the _toc_ of the clock and my cousin and uncle crying for me to stop looking. To stop imagining. When I looked at the clock, I felt as if I were in some kind of control. Each small movement held so much power. After all, in just one tic of the clock, my whole life became this hell. _Turmoil_. That was what I heard over whatever Marianna or anyone else in the whole world heard in the clock. Instead, I heard the piercing screams and saw the blood and the death that each second held. It was a scary thought, but I couldn't stop staring and hearing and feeling what I did inside.

Was this what God had to endure? Did he have a large clock with every hundredth of a second drawn out, with every death shown up on a big screen? All these thoughts swarmed my head, and after one more hour of hearing the screams and the begging, pleading voices I heard from the stupid clock, I jumped up and ran out my room to the bathroom.

I felt weak on my knees, and I had to lean on the sink to avoid falling down. Digging deep into my pocket, I pulled out the razor I bought earlier. The thoughts of the people dying, _bleeding_, and lying on the ground, screaming, _screaming_, **_screaming_**! I couldn't take much more. Fearing that I reached a new level of crazy, I threw the razor into the trash bin despite my desire to keep it. Then, I closed the door and turned on the sink. When the water finished pouring out, I washed my face and looked up into the mirror. There, looking back at me, was my greatest fear. In the mirror was the very thing that prevented me from sleeping, stopped me from loving, and killed my family. I stared into the eyes of my very self.

With a scream, I punched the mirror, unable to think clearly. I hated myself for everything I had caused, and although the news kept saying some criminal killed my parents, I know that it was mostly my fault. My fault for everything.

The mirror broke with the first punch, but I continued my barrage of fists, ignoring the glass cutting through my skin. I deserved this. I wanted this.

I kept on attacking my reflection even when the door of the bathroom was opened and a very audible gasp was heard.

"No!" I pair of arms wrapped around my stomach and pulled me backwards and out of range of the broken and blood covered mirror.

Tears started running from my eyes; the salty tears rolled down my chin and landed on my fists, stinging. It hurt that I was still crying over this. Over what happened what happened two weeks ago. Why was I still not over it?

"Shh, Mikayla, it's alright. It's okay now. I'm here." I suddenly froze.

"Mitchie?"

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We were back in the guest room thirty minutes later; she was bandaging my hands while I sat down on the bed, worried.

Would she talk about the kiss? Or maybe the punch? Why was she here in the first place?

"Mikayla, what were you thinking? Your uncle called the hospital and they told us that it's not too serious but we'll have to drive over in a few minutes. But don't worry. I'm taking you there." Mitchie bit her lip, as if reaching some decision.

Her next words were directed more to herself more than me, "Why can't I ever come over for a friendly visit without you ending up hurt?"

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Oh, no. It's alright. I mean, I'm glad I was there every time I was. It would've been bad if I weren't. Like, you could have bled or something. To death. Or... something." Mitchie rambled, trying her hardest not to upset my feelings.

"Yeah. But that's not what I'm sorry for." I replied, looking at her in the eyes.

At once, she seemed to understand. Realization settled onto her face as she turned towards me and held my bandaged hands. She looked up into my eyes, looking at mine with her perfect, beautiful ones. I saw confusion, fear, love, and all these emotions all clustered up in her eyes. Suddenly, I could only see sadness. Deep, profound sadness.

"Mik. Every time I look you in the eyes, I can't see you. I can't see everything you were." Mitchie said, her gaze intensifying.

I understood. Just under an hour ago, when I looked at my reflection, I saw what she saw. A monster. My life was probably the biggest hyperbole in the universe. Within me, I had all these emotions fighting each other, just hoping to come out. Anger, blame, guilt, humility, fear, hate, love, want, desire... All just clashed in my mind and heart, leaving nothing but emptiness in my soul.

"I love you Mik. You're my best friend." She stated, facing the ceiling to prevent tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. "I forgive you for everything you did to me yesterday. Everything you put me through."

So she really didn't want me.

"Yeah. You have to drive me to the hospital or something, right?" I quickly asked, hoping to redirect Demi's attention. It worked.

"Oh, right! Let's get going, Mikayla." Mitchiesmiled and her arm hooked around my own.

Due to the fact that fate was hating on me lately, I was forced to push down the desires that were trying to come out of my heart. It wasn't very hard, knowing that she didn't want me the same way. She had said that she forgave me for everything I put her through and did to her. God, I put her through hell, didn't I?

She forgave me, at least, and I really didn't want to know how the kiss affected our already shattering best friend relationship.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Well, I'm pleased to say that no shards of glass remain penetrated within the skin, and only minimum amount of stitching was required to fix it up. However, I recommend that you do not use your hands for vigorous activities, or else the healing process will take a much extended period of time. I must say that you have come to the hospital many times during the past two weeks. If I may, I can direct you to a very nice-" the doctor started to speak to me before I cut him off.

"No thanks. I don't need professional help, okay? It was an accident. It won't happen again." I slowly said, touching the stitches that crossed across my hands.

"Thank you for your help, Dr. Robines." Mitchie thanked, pulling me out of the office and into her car.

Oh, great, time for another panic attack.

She put her car in reverse after jamming in the keys and turning on the radio. When she got on the freeway, I tightened my grip on the seat, but noticed that my knuckles started turning a blueish shade of red. I wondered if holding on to dear life was a vigorous activity I should most likely avoid.

"Oh, Mikayla, listen."

Mitchie raised the volume on the radio's stereo system, and a familiar tune and beat sounded out from the radio.

_She was given the world  
So much that she couldn't see  
And she needed someone  
To show her who she could be_

_And she tried to survive  
Wearing her heart on her sleeve  
But I needed you to believe_

"Remember this song, Mik? I wrote it for you, you know." Mitchie's voice sounded far off, like it was coming from the car driving alongside us.

_You had your dreams, I had mine  
You had your fears, I was fine  
It showed me what I couldn't find  
When two different worlds collide_

I did remember the first version of this song. I was over at her house for a sleep over when she pulled out her guitar and started strumming the strings, her fingers gently moving up and down the frets. She was so focused on the guitar, and when she looked at me, she had said, "It's for you." Both our eyes had been glistening with tears that night, cuddled in her room, the only sounds being the guitar and her melodic voice.

_She was scared of it all  
Watching from far away  
And she was given a role  
Never knew just when to play_

_And she tried to survive  
Living her life on her own  
Always afraid of the throne  
But you've given me strength to find hope!_

Of course, back then, it had been different. I didn't have such strong feelings towards Mitchie, and my parents were still very much alive and kicking. My career wasn't even at it's peak but still, I was becoming a household name. I was at the top of my game, and was just beginning to draw accustomed to fame when the accident, or homicide, happened. I never thought I would become so famous. But I also never thought this whole death situation would happen either.

_  
You had your dreams, I had mine  
You had your fears, I was fine  
It showed me what I couldn't find  
When two different worlds collide_

My heart was still beating uncontrollably, despite my wondering thoughts. Cars became an enemy. What was the point of buying these things? These portable coffins? I'd much rather tape wheels to my bed. Mitchie was being considerate to me, because she was driving way below the speed limit.

_She was scared, unprepared  
And lost in the dark, falling apart  
I can survive with you by my side  
We're gonna be alright  
(We're gonna be alright)  
This is what happens when two worlds collide_

"Can we turn off the radio?" I whispered.

Mitchie nodded her head and lowered the volume all the way. Sometimes, whether she realized it or not, her lyrics really fit in to more than one occasion.

But I wasn't sure if we really were going to be alright this time around.

-

-

**A.N.** Okay! If you noticed from chapter one, it (as in ch.1) takes place twenty two days afterwards. So this fic is drawing to a close! I think I finished in the nick of time. It is now 11:50!

Sorry if it's not the best. I will revise if I notice abundant errors. Angst, I'm sorry. **Read **and** Review!** Private message! Whatever you want! I'm just really tired now. **R&R **It might not be uploaded before 12, but that's because it takes forever to document and everything.


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